See me screaming

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:06:45 GMT

http://fromthestartof.blogspot.com/

Relate to this?

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 01:33:24 GMT

Facebook :

During the last 24 hours you were compared by your friends 3 times. They assigned you 2 wins in: 'who has prettier eyes', 'who is more attractive'.

I care.
But I really don't.

Life as we know it.
I've got no friends.
I've got friends.
I've got no friends to hang out with.
I've got close friends.
We're just busy.
Well, you are.
I am.
Your excuses are more appealing.
I seem to always be accepting.
Regardless.

Best Regards,
.
Someday.
Things will fall into place.
Pieces are scattered far.veryfar.
I'll be traveling though.
I've got to find all these pieces.
I'll try to put things back together.
I'm trying.now.
Hard?
I think I'd say that.
You may disagree.
You always will.
I've come to accept that.
I'm not living for you though.
You have to do that for yourself.

OPEN
your eyes.
Changing stories.
The view from this side.
It's not what I thought it'd be.
Second guessing.
Everything.
All the time.
I can't figure out why.
I have nothing in my life.
Nothing sure fire.
Sure fire?
I can't find differences in things.
Is anything real?
I can't tell.
I'm losing touch with reality.
I'm moderately concerned.
Some part of me is.
I just can't commit.

I think there's love out there.
For me?
I'm not quite sure.
I hope.
I've experienced it.
Again?
I don't know.
One day?
Meh...

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 16:24:09 GMT

I'm finally home.
GLORIOUS!

Read my blog from the trip:

http://fromthestartof.blogspot.com

You may enjoy it.

Listen to yourself

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 19:35:29 GMT

Would it kill you to breath easy
Only seventeen miles lay between you and me
I could make it if I had to
I don’t break easily
You’ve got my counsel thick as thieves
If there’s a crime, we’ll keep it secret
For there’s only trace amounts left in your blood

You may be a sinner, but you may be justified

Just keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I’ll make it right

Will it kill me to breath
Not as easy as you think it is
Between you and me
I could fake it if I have to
I don’t break easily
I need your counsel thick as thieves
I have no crime to keep a secret
It was hers it was not mine

Well I may be a sinner, but it wasn’t me this time

Just keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I’ll make it right

Well listen to yourself
There is a hemorrhage in your mouth
It won’t stop bleeding

Well, you may be the traitor
I will hold the smoking gun
You’ll get away clean
I’ll keep your secrets
Till the grave has swallowed me
And I will never tell a tortured soul
That are burning by my side
That I am a sinner, I am a savior, I am alive

So keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I’ll make it right

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 19:31:12 GMT

Finished up some e-mails and cd recordings and then the night actually began. My brother and myself killed a small bottle of Captain. We drove out to the lake that's literally 50 feet from our hotel. No roads, no traffic, no noise, no company. It was quite peaceful. Sat in the grass under the stars. We both said a lot of things that would never have been said sober. It was something I'll remember for the rest of my life. My brother has been through a plethora of bad shit. I don't know how he continues to hold his composure so well. I'll figure out his ways though. A few more drunken nights and early mornings will hold things together. I haven't spent time with him as my brother in 4 years. It's been a nice awakening to know he actually thinks like me. We have the same feelings on the same subjects in life. Ever since he joined, I always doubted his intelligence. That was completely wrong of me.

You'll probably see quite a few updates in these next few days. I'm in front of my computer for hours on end managing my table/booth. I don't really have much else to do except for making masters and I've already completed today's work.

Is there anything you'd like to know about me?

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 02:48:13 GMT

I've never really said anything to anyone about this, but it's quite annoying to hang out with someone and they constantly text someone else. I suppose the person on the other end of those digital waves is far more important than the surf at your own shore.
Enough of that.

I'm content with some things in my life.
I'm content without some things in my life.
I'm just floating.
I wish I had some good direction.
I have ideas.
I have thoughts.
I have paper.
I have a pen.
I'm at a loss of direction.
I'm at a loss of words.
Life really could have been different.
I know I would not have been happy.
I'm on the path to happYness though.
Sooner or later, I'll discover what I have to offer.
The things this planet has to offer.
The things I have to offer.
It will all come in time.
I'm in no rush.

Continue to enforce all of these negative feelings.
It will get you exactly what you want.
Nothing.

I'm not happy.
Nor am I sad.
I'm just here.
Trying to figure things out.

-Tyler

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 02:09:51 GMT

So, I moved.
I'm enjoying everything, but most of all the neighbors are quite pleasant.
What a concept, aye?
Life is going in a decent direction.
I'm happy with the things I'm doing.
School/work/money/bills.
That's life.

I'm glad we got this place.
It's brand new which means we're the first to live here.
No one has done it in my shower, which is nice to know.

I haven't updated LJ in quite a long time.
I mostly stick to pen and paper now-a-days.
Not really the one to just put my business out there anymore.
But if the occasion seems right, I'll post a space blog.
Even so, it's normally just for EP.
She enjoys reading the things I write.
She'll even comment them back.
We even talk about the things going on in my life.
It's crazy.
Oh wait.

I guess I should let you know that it was a lie.
I did not spend any of my tax return on alcohol.
It was just a joke.
It was fun.
I suppose you should know though.
I'm not spending money I don't have on useless things.

ALSO, I'm really not down for making fun of people.
No one deserves to be laughed at.
People are different.
It's ignorant to laugh because of that.
It's just ridiculous.
Accept people for who they are.
There's no reason to better yourself by making someone feel like shit.
Just to let you know, you're not bettering yourself.

I think I'll be gone next year.
I'll have enough saved up.
We're all going.
It'll be SWEEET.

Love life.
Seriously.
You only get one.

The following

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:32:50 GMT

update is on the behalf of my room mate Danny. We were talking and he said if he had an LJ, he would use these upcoming statements as an update topic:

"You know what, I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I want to be a radio-talk-show host. Me and Flea. 'Hey fuckers!; it's danny and flea.' That's how we would introduce ourselves. Fuck the bullshit. I just want to talk on the radio."

So, that's what's going on in my life.
I missed Elizabeth this Sunday, and it's been a while since Kim and myself worked on our list of Christmas movies.
Hang out with me sometime?

Chiodos

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:26:06 GMT

"Attention, all of my worst critics
Who were once the best of friends,
You're all just crows on the power lines."

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:58:30 GMT

I remember when a number of these repeated songs contained meaning to me.
I guess the it has faded. Just remember to breathe. I keep telling myself that.
I woke up feeling weird.
I know exactly what it is too.
I can feel the weather changing my lifestyle soon.
Just be here for me for whatever happens? Good, or bad.
That's all I can bring myself to ask from you.

Deal?

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 05:18:36 GMT

On this very date two years ago, I was laying in bed sleeping. I received a call a few hours later telling me of the worst news I've ever received in my life so far. I wrote this on the very next morning of her death.

A few of you have read it, but why not let others? It is what it is.

"we speak as paragraphs break
and the worlds wake to your voice.
It's more than a time of day
it's a time of each year that I know
I'll never be alone.
You have loved me as I have loved you
no one knew, but us.
It's more than a secret because
no one will know of your last few words.
I'd come looking for you if I knew you were missing.
You've surpassed all the requirements
of what a best friend is and always will be.
There's not a day that I didn't wish I could
cry, laugh, breathe near you.
Talk, call, speak to me, I can still hear your voice.
I regret every word I said when I heard,
it was just anger, I promise that to each and every word.
I promise I'll never forget.
I promise you, we'll all remember.
I promise that we all love you.
I promise that I still love you.
I promise to take care of anyone you ask.
I promise I'll be here for you.
I promise I'd take your place, all I'd need is for you to ask."

Love,
Tyler Schilling

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:59:10 GMT

I've realized that I don't need you in my life to make me happy. You criticize me for the things I do. Why can't I do me and you do you? I don't have a problem with the things you do. I don't care as long as you're not putting yourself in danger. I'm no longer worrying about how you feel about me. I'm no longer putting anyone else in front of myself, except a few of you. You don't have to hate me, you just choose to. I don't know the reason(s) though, jealousy?

In other news:

Birthday party was EPIC - just to inform you guys that weren't there.
Thank you for all the video birthday wishes that were taken on muh new camera.
I'm using a toothbrush holder for my writing utensil cup. It's pretty cool.
I hang out with the coolest kids every night. It's nice.
I'm sorry I don't have time to be at home and talk with you via AIM as often as we'd like.
I got some birthday money and I'm buying that jacket, finally.
The least you could've done is make it to my party.
I like my classes a lot. This semester is going to be good.
I'm saving my strength for something worth fighting for.
We need to hang out soon.

Real friends don't care about how long it's been since you've talked or the reason why; they are more worried about catching up.

Let's catch up?

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:33:38 GMT

It's not that I don't trust you
well I just know what you've been up too
and well this dial tone is agreeing with everything I've had in mind.
and you've got your high as a kite tricks in the bag.

so as his eyes move past your shoulder
and your shades start moving in the same direction
don't worry I, well I won't say a thing.
and you can't blame a girl for (you can't blame a girl for)
stickin' to what she knows..(stickin' to what she knows)

I hope he takes his time
and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
cause I can, I can.
I hope he takes his time
and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
cause I can, I can.

if I could get to sleep
then, I guess you could stop pretendin'.
cause if I didn't think you loved it,
well then I wouldn't play along
and you've got your high as a (you've got your high as a)
kite tricks in the bag..(kite tricks in the bag)

I hope he takes his time
and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
cause I can, I can.
I hope he takes his time
and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
cause I can, I can.

you're down for sellin' me out
while I play dumb,
it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you,
you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.

you're down for sellin' me out
while I play dumb,
it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you,
you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.

you're down for sellin' me out
while I play dumb,
it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you,
you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.

forget your legs around my hips.
forget your hands pressed on my back.
forget the letters that I kept.
this is another I won't send.
forget your lips, your eyes, your thighs.
forget our one last kiss goodnight.
forget me stakin' out your house.
forget I've got you figured out.

forget your legs around my hips.
forget your hands pressed on my back.
forget the letters that I kept.
this is another I won't send

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 17:23:13 GMT

I guess you'll just keep walking on me until I stand up for myself; but if I do, will you still be here for me when I need you? I'd be there for you.

What makes it alright for you to bring someone to my house and then have them talk shit about me? Don't come into my house and disrespect me like that. That's bullshit.

Fuck the world lately. I'm tired of everyone walking on me.

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 21:36:06 GMT

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

That's what all this is. It's just SHIT. I don't know what people have been thinking about me, but from what I've heard, I've been fucking up or something. I'm not really sure where this information comes from, but it's no good. I'm doing things for me. That's all there is to it. You don't need to be mad at me. You don't need to change my position on your MySpace top friends. You don't need to worry. I haven't gone anywhere. I know I haven't because my own mother still looks at me the same way and she knows what I'm doing. She knows that I'm a good kid and that I have good judgment. I'm no fucking loser. I'm not going to end up the way you think. I'm doing all the right things. You don't have to be mad that I'm living my life to the fullest. You don't have to be mad at anything. You should just be happy for me. I'm fucking happy. That's it. I'm happy.

I'm happy.

I'm fucking happy and you guys are all pissed off at me.

I'm happy.

damn.

It feels nice to say.

I'm happy.

----
Mego I'd get this with you: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

-Tyler

gone

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:29:18 GMT

I'm leaving town with a good friend in the morning. We're going south. I'll see you in a few days.

I'm really worried about you and I hope that you'll come home.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 02:33:04 GMT

I LOVE LINDSEY'S VAGINA<333

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:45:23 GMT

It makes me so much more lonely to see all these happy people. My friends come first; that's the bottom line. For once though, I'm happy for myself. I'm getting through this and I didn't even think I would. You'd be proud. I've found a lot of new friends that care about me just as much as you do. I still have a lot of friends. I saw a lot of genuine people yesterday and it was nice. I still miss that feeling though. The people I have been with lately understand me(I guess). I don't get shit from though, about anything. I can say what I want, do what I want and all because I'm in charge of my life. I don't smoke. No body makes fun of me for the things I do. I'm accepted and it's nice. I miss people though. Like my previous post, I'm finally ok. I hope you all know how much you have helped.

TS

<3

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 15:53:23 GMT

Today I woke up 870 miles from home. The house, the bed, and the fan felt weird. I feel normal. I feel fine. Today is going to be a good day. My mom said that I will wake up one day and things will be back to normal and today was that day for me. I don't need you. You've got your own shit to figure out. I'm still trying to find my reason to come home.

I'll wake up tomorrow.

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 01:23:54 GMT

I'm at home alone tonight. Shelby is in my bathroom getting ready to go out to Orlando and go to her friend's going away party. Nick is eating cereal with Christians. Stacey is down south hanging with Katherine. I've gotten calls from random people but everything seems to be falling through. Maybe I'm supposed to be sitting at home tonight? My original group of friends are all at a birthday party which I'm not welcome at. I wish I could go and see everyone. I wish things weren't like this tonight. I miss how things used to be. It was my decision to not go and make things horrible for myself.

I need to be looking out for me. And for once in my life I've been doing that. I come and go as I please. I don't look at things that will upset me. I've been making good decisions. I've surrounded myself with people that love and care about me. I used to drive home wanting to wreck into the next light pole. It's been some time since I've wanted that. I haven't cried. I think I'm all dried up honestly.

I kind of wish you didn't leave. For the first time, I'm alone. I am alone. I haven't done this in a long time. I'm just laying here listening to music, my only medication.

I want to be different so badly. I will be someone some day. I don't want to blend in with everyone and everything. I want to do something. I want to do something good and whole. I need that. I want to be something and it sucks that so many people don't. I'm not alright with being a no body. I wasn't put here just to get by. I'm done with this conditioned life style I've been taught to lead. What if I don't hold the same values as society? Does that make me anything less than human? I'm not bleeding for nothing. We all have a purpose. Find yours. Explore your world. Take back everything you thought about someone and give them a clean slate. Don't ask for anything back. Do it for yourself. We will all be ready for this.
I keep wondering if I'll see you at warped watching JM. I keep asking myself if you'll be dancing with me.

Devin,
I'm sorry for a lot of shit that's happened between us. I can't hold something against you that has nothing to do with you. And out of all the people I know, no matter what, you'd always be there. I don't know if you know what that means to me.

And so, I'm sitting at home on a Friday night for a reason. I'm crying and I'm ok with that. I guess I've needed this for a while.

I'm always looking out for people and their well being. Sometimes, I don't feel the same about me. I've always wondered. Sometimes it's good to be completely alone.

Take a chance.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 16:45:50 GMT

It's hard to do this without your best friend. Thanks for the offer.

(subject here)

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:02:03 GMT

Everyday I wake up hoping I have a missed call from you. It's hard without you here by my side. I miss you. I've been doing better though. I've always had my friends to pull me through. I need these dreams to fade.

I WANT MY LIFE.
I love you. all.

Tyler Schilling

Mon, 26 May 2008 20:29:42 GMT

I really don't remember most of this past weekend. Drank 3 of 4 nights. Don't remember Friday at all. Smoked weed. Fuck it. I guess this is it. I'm just finding ME.

Don't be disappointed. If you are, fuck it. I can't help that.

321.987.1225

MAN

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:22:10 GMT

MAN! Waking up this early was horrible. I hardly crawled out of bed and made it to Waffle House. Good thing I did though, those waffles and company were pretty good. Thanks for chatting with me this morning.

In other news, I'm at Nick's place and he's being a little bitch and sleeping. Good thing I got out of work to come over here and throw the Frisbee around but now he won't get up.
Tonight we're going to go see Panic! and Motion City. I'm mostly looking forward to Motion City because they are pretty sweet live. I'd like to catch Panic's acoustic performance before hand but Devin has a Final during the time we'd need to leave. I really hope Motion City plays "Even If It Kills Me". I assume they would considering it is the name of their newest CD.

I've got a dream house, do you? It's white with blue shutters. I guess I'm a dreamer, but it's all worth it in the end. I'm sorry for not being myself for a while. I hope you understand that I wasn't trying to hurt you. I guess this is growing up.

Shut the fuck up she said, I'm going fucking deaf you're always too loud.
Get the fuck up she said, you're life is meaningless you're going no where.
You're just a fuck up she said, I'll live alone instead.

I just lost myself but I'm slowly putting it all back together. If it's not for you, then it's for me.

Time to fucking wake Nick up, this is bullshit.
Have a good night.

Electricity

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 19:37:16 GMT

Today I was at my house just sitting down to get started on some homework and suddenly, the power went out. Meh, I thought. I really needed to do some homework, but catching up on life was more important.

I layed on my bed in my underwear looking out the window at all the birds(I hate you) and the weird shaped clouds. The wind was blowing quite fast today because those clouds were movin'. I layed their for 20 minutes or so and then I went and got my guitar. I haven't seriously played in quite some time so it was nice to sit down and just write and play. I really miss all the time I used to have to do that kind of thing. After guitar, I just sat and wrote everything that was on my mind. I intended to mail it, but it's really not worth the postage. Maybe you'll be lucky enough to get it hand delivered, but it's not likely.

I've got a lot of thoughts going through my head. They don't stop either, one after another they pour in. I really inteded this entry to be a good one. I wanted it to sound interesting, but like my life, it's not.

I had job interview last week (wednesday), but I haven't got a call back from them. Hopefully everything will work out and I'll get the job. That'd be totally rad because then I could head to UCF more often and hang out with Nick and Stacey. It would be nice if they were talking so I didn't have to divide my time, but they'll be fine in time.

Ryan and myself went to Atlanta over the weekend. That shit was sick. We had such a good time and it was really nice to see Meghan. I was mainly concerned about getting out of Titusville and leaving everything behind for the weekend, but it some how caught up to us going 118 on I10. Atlanta is cold. Atlanta is fun. Atlanta has many Toni & Guy salons. We rode that Martyr(MARTA).

It's been almost 1.5 years since that happened. I missed you a lot today.

My favorite song of all time is "Remember to Breathe". Remember that, k?

I miss a few people. I'd say names, but I don't want to forget anyone. If you haven't seen me often in the past few weeks, then you're one of them.
I need all of you to help me through this. I know things will get better. It's just one of this things that calls for the use of a clock.

You should call / text me :
321.987.1225

-TS